I'm jumping ship...off to Word Press!

yeah...

So, I guess this is it.

I mean, we knew this day would come eventually...I mean, not all relationships can last forever.

I know we were only together for about 6 months...and in the beginning I was happy. As happy as I've ever been to tell the truth.

But after a few months it just...well, it just wasn't as good anymore.

It's nothing you did. I guess something about me changed during the time we met, first carried out our whirlwind time together.

Look, you'll be fine without me...You've got lots of folks to help you get through this tough time.

I'll think about you often and the wonderful times we shared...but I simply must go.

If you ever need to get in touch with me all you have to do is visit www.cinlachsplace.wordpress.com

Take care of yourself Blogger...I'm sure we'll see each other again.

I'm glad we could do this as mature adults and still remain friends.

My Redneck Christmas Eve...

So I almost ended up murdering someone on Christmas Eve.

Do I have your attention yet?

So here's the deal...I'll start at the beginning, which is always an excellent place to start. Unless your life is like the movie Memento which is a simple and straightforward little tale when compared to the serenity which is my family life.

Every year my grandparents invite all of us over to their house for a Christmas Eve party. The attendees also include my aunt from Atlanta and her family but also the family of close friends of my Grandparents. Even though they're not technically "related" to us, I and the rest of us consider them to be part of our family.

Around noon, Mom, Brian and Andrew decide to head over to the Grandparents in order to help them get everything ready for the upcoming festivities. Grandma and Papa were hit especially hard by the ice storm a couple of weeks back and at one point I was pressing hard to have the party moved to my house in order to make it a little easier on everyone involved. The Grandparents said no and the rest was soon to become history.

About 4:30 (2 full hours before any of the guests would start to arrive) my father pulls into the shared driveway between my Grandparents house and my former childhood home. No one really notices anything unusual until they begin to hear the horn of his car blaring loudly and proudly throughout the neighborhood.

It's assumed, and logically so, that his girlfriend/punching bag/cash cow is down at the old Kilpatrick homestead and Daddy dearest is simply impatient for her to get a move on so he can continue to sample the very best Milwaukee has to offer.

Unfortunately, that wasn't the case. He was alone, drunk and filled with the vigor that only alcohol and the knowledge that no one is around who's capable or willing to stand up to him can bring.

Soon he's screaming "Where is she?" and "Why won't she come out here and see me?" These questions are of course all directed towards my Mother as she is in the process of divorcing his hairy little troll ass. All during his little tirade he's laying on the car horn, revving the engine to the point of distress, spinning the tires in the driveway and basically making an obnoxious ass out of himself.

Wisely, no one answers his laughable summons and while they are shaken, they remain filled with the Christmas spirit and continue preparing for their yuletide gathering.

Dad leaves, but only after becoming so entangled in the complexities of "backing out of the driveway" that it takes him several attempts to get out into the road. During his escape from the devilry that is my Grandparents simple straight in and out driveway, he backs into their mailbox reducing it to splinters and hopefully causing severe damage to his piece of shit car.

A few minutes pass and then the horn is heard again. He's back ladies and gentlemen!

This time, He's pulled in directly behind my Grandparents car, laying on the horn, gunning the engine, spinning the tires and shouting obscenities.

While my father does his best drunken Jeff Gordon impersonation, my grandfather calls the police. Once they get there and while he's talking to the patrolman he think's he sees Dad driving down the road...apparantly attempting to pull off the trifecta of assholiness.

Cut to my house, some 20 minutes away...the calm before the storm as it were.

Carla and I aren't feeling especially chipper and have just decided that we're not going to be able to attend the Christmas Eve party. It'll be the first one I've ever missed and while I'm kinda bummed I'll be missing it I just don't feel like going and I especially don't want to go without Carla. I call with my sincerest apologies and deliver the news that we won't be attending but I will be seeing my Grandparents on Christmas day for dinner at my house.

There's a strange tension on the other end of the phone. My mother says she needs to talk to me...there's a pause, and when she returns to the line she's crying.

The story of harassment is relayed and I am MOST displeased. Mom wasn't going to say anything about it to me but finally did so at the urging of my Grandmother who felt I needed to know what was going on. Mom said she was also very much looking forward to my being there because she simply felt safer if I was in close proximity. That was all I needed to hear.

I'm so angry I literally cannot stop shaking. I'm prepared to do things...violent and brutal things.

I get dressed, tell Carla to go to her mother's house in order to make sure she's taken care of and set off on a leisurely jaunt to Easley and my date with agression, anger and patricide.

When I arrive I don't really get out of my car...I launch out ready to fucking throw down. I'm here for one reason and one reason only...to fucking hurt someone. I didn't come for the cocktail weenies, deviled egg sandwiches, sausage balls or chex mix. In the immortal words of "Rowdy" Roddy Piper from the movie They Live, "I came here to chew bubblegum and kick ass...and I'm all out of bubblegum." You're goddamn right...out of bubblegum indeed.

Inside, my Mother is trying to convince me that there's no way Dad will come back...not when all the folks are there. He's simply too big a coward to mess with people who are not only fully capable of putting his fat ass in traction but highly fucking motivated to do it as well.

I know differently...I KNOW he'll be back. Even if it's just to ride down the road and blow the horn like a big pussy.

My brother Andrew casually mentions that he's probably at the VFW (Veteran's of Fine Wine) across the highway and only about half a mile from my Grandparents house. I ask "You really think so?" as I'm grabbing my coat and heading out the door...only to be tackled by my Grandfather and Mother who beg me not to go.

"He's not worth getting in trouble for" they tell me..."You'll end up in jail and it's not worth it"...Bullshit, it's totally fucking worth it I tell them...take your hands off me.

"I just want to ride by and see if he's there, I'll come right back"...which was an absolute and total lie. If you had been driving a white GMC Jimmy and had happened to have been at that particular VFW then you would've come out only to find your car had no windows, four flat tires and the my phone number spray painted on your fucking hood. Sorry about that...it would've been an honest mistake. No hard feelings right?

After being forced to promise I wouldn't go decimate the VFW, I assumed my place in a shadowy spot outside. I met every car as it pulled up...

As people began to arrive, I made them aware of the situation, told them politely that I'm not here for the party and that I'm only here to break someone's fucking jaw if given the chance.

Please...pretty please with sugar on top.

About 7:45 as I'm standing in the shadows of my Grandparents house when I see a strangely familiar set of headlights. The 1999 white GMC Jimmy slowly comes around the corner towards...me.

As it continues to slow I take off after them...it's him. Dear God...what a wonderful Christmas present.

He sees me and speeds up.

"Hey, come here...I thought you wanted to talk to someone? Get the fuck back here and talk to me motherfucker! Are you gonna sit in the road and blow the horn like a fucking pussy or are you going to come back up here so we can fucking talk?"

"Where you goin'? I thought you were billy fucking bad-ass tonight? You'll come fuck with two 75 year old people, a woman and two children but you won't come talk that shit to one man?"

Alas, he was gone. My grandfather was pleading with me to come inside. I was having none of it...I was standing dead center in the middle of the road where anyone who wanted to could see me quite easily...and see me he did.

This is my home and my family. I will not stand for threats or intimidation towards my family...ever.

So on the off-chance this should be seen by a certain pair of eyes...know this. My fucking address hasn't changed, I still work at the same place and my phone numbers are all the fucking same.

Come talk that shit to me and see what it gets your ass.

You and I are done...from that day until time untold I have no father. You're no relation to me. I'll not be associated with anyone who conducts themselves in such a base and cowardly manner.

Eventually, you and I will cross paths again...it's inevitable.

And on that day you'd best be ready, because I sure as hell will be.

Oh, by the way...Merry Christmas you filthy cocksucker.

Merry Christmas, bitches!

That's right...I said Merry fuckin' Christmas.

Not "Happy Holidays", "Merry Xmas", or even "Season's Greetings".

I said "Merry Motherfucking Christmas".

Let's set the stage. I'm not what one might call an overtly religious kinda dude. If asked I usually reply that I'm a "recovering Southern Baptist". That normally shuts people up and prevents them from asking anymore unwanted queries.

While I'm not busting at the seams with religious dogma or any of that shit there is one thing that I absolutely refuse to bend on. December 25th is Christmas...don't fucking think that you can just change the goddamn name and thereby shelter yourself from concepts or ideology that you don't subscribe to. I'm not ranting and raving in order to get Election Day called "National Buttfucked By Politicians Day".

So if I can deal with shit I find offensive and morally wrong like January 17th being declared "National Penguin Awareness Day" then you can goddamn well handle a "Merry Christmas" every once and awhile.

Don't hit me with the old "But I don't believe in Jesus...the term Christmas is offensive to me." Well then don't fucking celebrate it. It's that fucking simple.

This is the weirdest damn country and society in the world. Only in America does the phrase "majority rules" mean so much and so little at the same time.

If some Texan cow-molester ends up as President of the United States then it's chalked up to the "majority rules".

But if I want to wish someone a "Merry Christmas" I have to be sensitive to the minority of the population who doesn't believe in the concept.

Where the fuck is the logic in that? Can someone, anyone, tell me how that stupid shit came about?

If you want to celebrate Hanukkah, then knock yourself out..have a ball.

If you choose to observe Kwanzaa, then I hope you have yourself a merry little Kwanzaa.

If you're really into the Winter Solstice and want to party with the Earth spirits then the Goddess bless you.

But for the other 75% of the country, they're going to put up a goddamn Christmas tree, sing Christmas carols, erect Nativity scenes in their front yards, and all that other Christian shit that Christians do at this point of the year.

I don't dig on Christmas myself, but it's not because of conflicting religious notions. I simply find the entire holiday to be way too contrived and two-faced for my liking. People who wouldn't piss on you if you were on fire now go out of their way to wish you "Merry Christmas" when you pass them in the street. Fucking false assholes...you want to impress me with your piety? Then act like that all goddamn year...then I might not want to smack the taste out of your mouth.

Oh, by the way...Jesus WAS NOT born on December 25th. According to theological researchers, he was probably born in Spring or Summer due to the activities of the Shepherds in the area. The only reason December 25th is the day now known as Christmas is due to the desire of the early Christian church to compete with the roman holiday of Saturnalia. Saturnalia was the feast at which the the Romans commemorated the dedication of the temple of the god Saturn, which took place on December 17th. Don't believe me? Click here... Saturnalia...yeah, that's right you just got owned.

So the point of all this is, don't get your panties in a knot just because someone happens to have a Christmas wreath up instead of a Menorah.

We're all fully free to look to Jesus, Satan, Mohammed, Buddha or any vast number of religious or spiritual figures for help and guidance.

Just get the fuck over it already.

Is it any wonder people are laughing at the Christian world?

OK folks...before I've even started writing I can tell this will be a doozy of a post.

So either settle in for the ride or hop out now...there'll be no stops mid-journey.

A buddy on an online message board I frequent posted the following...the stupidity and egotistical nature of some "devout" christians never ceases to amaze and sadden me.

The following will be uncorrected or unaltered by me. My comments will appear in bold font...let the slaughter begin.

Dear Ms Agnus,
First I would like to commend you for your faith, and conviction. In today's God-less society, it is wonderful to see someone, such as you, stand up against the immoral decay that has plagued our great, christian nation. I, too, am sick of the filth, violence, and sex which have somehow become part of everyday life. (It's ALWAYS been a part of our everyday life. Just because it was never spoken about before doesn't mean it didn't exist. Does this person obviously believe all the fucked up things in our society came about over the last 50 years?) Keep up the wonderful work, you are truely (Nice spelling there genius.) one of God's most blessed messengers.

I was wondering if you could help me. (Bitch I don't think there's a soul alive that can help you. You're like a lifetime fucking project.) My 16 year old son is a wonderful christian, but today's music is making it hard for him to even listen to it. He recently told me about a band that one of his school friends told him about and I was nearly physically ill. His friend showed him the website and he was so disgusted that he told me about it as soon as he came home. He also told me he would no longer associate with this "friend" as it was evident that they did not believe in God, since he liked this sort of filth. I told you he was a great kid. (OK, so wouldn't a better christian example have been for the "moral" child to remain as a positive influence in the "immoral" childs life? Newsflash, Jesus didn't shun sinners; he embraced them. Ever hear of Mary Magdalene the harlot or Zaccheus the tax collector? Jesus was told by his followers and disciples not to associate with people of that "nature" but he knew that saved people didn't need to hear his message. The unsaved did...it's pointless to convert a flock of believers you dumbass.)

The band is known as EZT which I believe stands for Eviscerated Zombie Tampon. This vile disgusting band has the most blasphemous site and stage show ever. The lead singer dresses up as our saviour, Jesus Christ (Thanks for the clarification asswipe. Up until you mentioned Jesus I thought you meant our saviour Bozo the Clown.) and openingly mocks him. This singer has also similated the rape of a altarboy on stage (Well I tell you what if the clergy will stop fucking the alterboys then the world will stop making fun of them.), while dressed this way. There is another band member who dressed up as the Pope and a third (female) who acted as if she was Terri Shaivo! (Unless Terri has been cannonized then making fun of her is anything but blasphemous. It may be in poor taste but it's certainly not sacreligious. Get your facts straight ya bonehead.) They even have a CD out called F word Easter. I can't bring myself to repeat such filth.(But I see that alluding to it is perfectly ok...so now the only thing wrong with the word FUCK is the UCK...interesting philosophy there Aristotle.)

Please tell everyone to ban this disgusting, sick group of sinners. The website is: http://www.geocities.com/ezt_rules (Their website hits just went through the roof jackass...anyone who dresses up like a priest and fucks alterboys on-stage just wants to be seen...thanks for fulfilling their wet dream you dumb fuck.)

Our children must be warned and protected.

Your friend in Christ,
Cindy Mae Madison
--------------------
Your Email Address: *Edited out*
Your Name: A concerned Christian Mother

Thanks you for the kind words Madam. See, what this concerned mother has done is bring to light the demonic poison known as "heavy metal" also known as "dark music" which was first created by Marilyn Manson (Uh, so you've never heard of Alice Cooper or Black Sabbath who predate Marilyn Manson by nearly 30 years. At least you seem knowledgable on the subject, I'm sure anything you have to say will be insightful and well researched...cock.) for those of you unfamiliar with the blasphomous (If you can't spell the word "blasphemous" then you shouldn't use it...aren't you supposed to be a religious figure of some import?!?!) music.

I looked into the page that mother directed me to and I couldn't help but feel my eyes water. I started crying. "Why could such disgusting filth even bother to exist?" (Ask God you super genius...he allowed it to exist.) , I kept asking myself. It is so sad knowing bands like that are making millions of dollars everyday and being exposed on millions of television and radios worldwide (HAHAHAHA...Do you honestly think for a moment that 95% of those bands much less a band like "Eviscerated Zombie Tampon" has a big enough audience to make millions of dollars and be seen on millions of TV's? How retarded are you anyway? If you're such an expert on "Heavy Metal" or "Dark Music" then you'd have heard of these bands before now...they wouldn't have been brought to your attention by a housewife from West Virginia. If the majority of these bands ever see a million dollars it'll be either on TV or at the movies.) . Why can't we have pro-Christian music get that much exposure (Mainly because most Christian music sucks giant rhino cock...there are a few really good Christian bands out there. Ever hear of Creed, Switchfoot, or P.O.D.??)? Instead we see this new Zombie Tampon metal band become big (HAHAHAHA...They wish babe.) and damage our degenrate youth (Well if they're already degenerate youth then what's the problem? They're not likely to get any worse.) with harmful messages. When is the governemnt going to actually step in and monitor the damging music in our society?

All these Marliyn Manson type bands make me sick (Actually Marilyn Manson isn't a band...it's one dude.). They make millions of dollars by spreading hate. The only people that deserve that much money are the churches so that we could get bigger churches to house more Chirstians (And theme parks, don't forget theme parks...and fucking prostitutes...and expensive clothes, cars, and houses) . Has anyone else noticed how small churches are compared to shopping malls? (Well it's quite simple really. Most of America is intelligent enough to see through the bullshit posturing that runs rampant through most churches...leaving the few good ones out there with a stigma they don't deserve. Oh, and Xbox games, shoes, chocolate chip cookies, smoothies and clothing stores...that's probably the other reason Malls are so much bigger then churches. The sad thing is this person actually thinks they're intelligent.) Shopping malls that get rich from selling dark music are gigantic compared to the small churches. Where is the rationality behind that? (It's called free-enterprise and it's what your "God Fearing" nation was founded for...the whole country was founded by a contradiction..."We want religious freedom, but if you worship different then us we'll fucking kill you!".)

This whole world is nothing but degenerates now, not wanting to admit God is right about everything. How anyone could disagree with me on this is simply foolish (How anyone could actually believe this is what's foolish) . I simply want to do nothing more than folllow God and wish everybody else could do the same by trashing all that is Marilyn Manson inspired (Geez...Marilyn's taken a beating here. Doesn't she know that he's like Martha fucking Stewart compared to Eviscerated Zombie Tampon?) .

As a service to you all in hopes of brining you closer to God, I have taken my degenerate nephew's CD collection away from him and I have made a huge list documenting each band he owned a Cd of, as a means to serve as a warning to other concerned mothers. I shuffled through the album art and knew right away none of these CD's promoted Christian values. (Look up the defintion of the word "judgemental", I'm sure you'll find this assholes face plastered right under it.) I plan to dispose of these CD's soon (Right after I get done rocking the suburbs that is...I bet this chick is a metal mad-woman). My sister is not fit to be a parent. If he were my child, none of these CD's would be his to begin with (Because she'd totally keep them...throw the goat baby!).

God Forbid (the name alone indicates a hatred for christianity) (I'm not entirely sure that's an anti-christian title sweetcheeks.)
Immolation (the name is disturbing) (Not blasphemous mind you...just disturbing.)
Lord Gore (there is a picture of women pleasuring each other, this is beyond filth) (I'm still looking for the bad part babe. Sounds like someone has some unresolved sexual identity issues.)
Venom (the devil's face is glorified on the cover)
Repulsion (the devil's face is also beign glorified on the cover)
Agalloch (I don't know what the name Agalloch so I would be surprised if it was a satanic verse) (What a judgemental prick! "I don't know what this means so I'm sure it's all about Satan"...goddamn!)
Immortal (this seems to be another band that has Marilyn Manson, the name of the album is "Sons of Northren Darkness", is sickening) (Uh...why? What's wrong with the word "Immortal"? Did I miss something here?)
Mr. Bungle (the name is pornographic) (HUH?!?! Where the hell do you get that from? Did you pull it out of your ass?)
Frightmare (the Cd depicts a woman murdered by a satanist) (Maybe he killed her in self-defense.)
Between the Buried and Me (I do not like how the name disrespcts the dead) (I see...so you're PERSONAL opinion is involved as well. Funny...I thought these were things that were sacreligious/blasphemous in nature. So I see we'll have to add your name to the heavenly host.)
Ghoul (the cover depicts three demons covered in blood, I threw this in my garbage instantly)
Children of Bodom (I assume Bodom is another name for Satan. Why not "Children of God?") (You assume?!?! Jumping jesus on a pogostick.)
Nile (there was a picture of a snake, it is glorifying the serpent/devil that made Adam and Eve eat the apple that doomed the world) (So now all images of snakes glorifies the Devil? Someone better tell those snake handling churches pronto!)
As I lay Dying (the album cover depicts a vile demon and the name reflects our death obsessed society)
Slayer (I could not believe the blatant blasphemy the album cover had) (This one I'll give her...Slayer are a bunch of evil fucks.)
Impaled (the cover depicts a toilet with pooh, why is it that today's youth is worshipping feces instead of God?) (Pooh? Winnie-the-Pooh? Well in my opinion everything Winnie-the-Pooh related is feces and should be flushed down the toilet.)
Mayhem (the logo of the band appears to have inverted crosses) (Appears?!?! Once again here comes the writers opinion...lovely.)
Carcass (see how the world is obsessed with death, no wonder Terri Schiavo was assassinated) (Assassinated? Was the bitch whacked by Lee Harvey Oswald from the top of the Texas Book Depository? Last I heard her husband decided to let her years of suffering come to an end. If God hadn't wanted things to go down that way I have a feeling he could've intervened.)
Death (all these Marilyn Manson influenced metal bands keep enjoing death and destruction) (If death and destruction weren't so fun we wouldn't enjoy it...once again, take it up with God. He made death and destruction lady.)
Devourment (there is a dead nude man on the cover, it is homosexual necrophilic pornography at its worth) (What the fuck? Is someone fucking the dead nude man? Is it another man fucking the dead nude man? If not then it's just a dead nude man. I have a feeling that the only "homosexual necrophilic pornography" is going on in that twisted little noggin of yours chief.)
Dying Fetus (it is sad how our children today approve of abortion) (Isn't it possible this could be an ANTI-abortion thing?)
Aborted (another pro-death/abortion band) (Once again, isn't it possible this is an anti-abortion kinda thing?)
Morbid Angel (I was outraged by the name, this is pure blasphemy) (Why? Examples please...)
Iced Earth (Satan is being pornographic on the cover, it's sickening) (What's funnier then seeing Satan fucking a Water Buffalo? Kinda makes him look like a idiot doesn't it. I figured you christians would be all over anything that made Satan look like a sheep-fucker.)
Rigor Mortis (more praise for dead bodies in our death-obsessed culture) (I don't really see the praise here.)
Blood Freak (all our children want to do these days is kill and make people bleed)
Necro (it depicts satan wearing a skull mask)
Bloodbath (yet again, more blood and murder)
Exhumed (I'm getting sick and tired of death being praised)
Godflesh (the name is disgusting, God's flesh is sacred and should not be spoken about) (See now, that's just silly.)

There are more but I think I've seen enough of my nephews filth collection. (This is your comprehensive list? I'm sure it's totally accurate and complete. I'm more concerned that Ashlee Simpson, The Pussycat Dolls and Usher aren't listed on here anywhere.)

All those bands I mentioned should be banned. Want peace on earth? Then ban all those money-making satanic bands. (Right...that's the key to finally bringing about world peace...banning Eviscerated Zombie Tampon, Slayer, Morbid Angel and other obscure bands.) It's that simple (Of course it is...you're completely fucking out of your mind! Everthings easy and simply when you're stark raving crazy.). But because this pornographic liberal world still insists on wanting America to be destroyed, these killing culture bands will yet again be on our TV's and radios promoting their hatred towards God's creations.

Would you let someone step on a thumbtack if they were about to step on it? I know I wouldn't because it's a mistake (What's a mistake, stepping on the thumbtack or allowing someone to step on a thumbtack?). And that is why I feel we shuld guide people to our right side (Because people standing on your left side make you nervous...dirty left side standing sons of bitches.). some people accuse me of being close-minded (Accuse? Hell no...I've got the proof right here motherfucker. It's no longer an accusation, it's confirmed.), but I am merely correcting people that are obviously wrong. If you see soemthign wrong, correct it (You mean like the fact you're too stupid to properly spell the word "something"? Consider your dumb ass corrected then.).

These bands are not pro-God, so that is why banning is the only solution (So if something isn't "pro-God" it should be banned? Then kiss the majority of your life goodbye you ignorant goon.). How many more school shootings and innocent women starved to death do we have to see for our world to realize Marliyn Manson and all these other Marilyn Manson wannabes are causing such a ruckus in our world?

What really scares me is that I know this isn't an isolated incident. Shit like this is happening every fucking day.

How's that for leaving you with a warm fuzzy thought?

Just some funny shit...

IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFENDED I SINCERELY SUGGEST THAT YOU NOT CONTINUE...DON'T SAY I DIDN'T WARN YA
IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFENDED I SINCERELY SUGGEST THAT YOU NOT CONTINUE...DON'T SAY I DIDN'T WARN YA

So a co-worker and I were laughing about the seemingly endless parade of "what the fuck were they thinking" names that come across our desks when we started applying these names to porno titles.

In the last week I've had the humorous pleasure of seeing the following names...these are REAL names by the way. If you happen to read your name on this blog then seriously, I hate it for ya but it's your name. I didn't give it to ya.

So here's the name list:
Kevin Dickman
Deanna Fuksman
Candy Beavers

So in the course of attaching these unfortunate fuckers to made up porno titles I started sharing actual titles I'd seen that had been based on mainstream movies. After a little digging I stumbled upon Funny Porno Titles and thought I'd share a few of my favorites. If you find this following list the least bit funny then I wholeheartedly suggest you check that site. There's no graphic pictures or anything like that, but you will find over 300 hilarious actual porn titles.

Here's my favorites list, in alphabetical order:

12 Horny Men
101 Fornications
American Booty
Assaconda
Ben-In-Her
Beverly Hills Copulator
Big Trouble In Little Vagina
Black Cock Down
The Bone Ranger
The Boobs Brothers
Breast Side Story
Caddysnatch
Chitty Chitty Gang Bang
Close Encounters of the Nude Kind
Creamer vs. Creamer
Cum And Cummer
Die Hard-on
E.T. the Extra Testicle
Edward Penishands
Ferris Bueller's Jerk Off
Field Of Wet Dreams
The Flintbones
For Your Thighs Only
Free My Willy
Gangbangs Of New York
Glad-He-Ate-Her
Good Will Humping
Great Sexpectations
The Hairy Bitch Project
Harry Pooper and the Sorcerer's Bone
Honey, I Shrunk Your Clit
How Stella Got Her Tube Packed
Indiana Bones and the Temple of Boom Boom
Inspect Her Gadget
Intercourse With The Vampire
The Joy Suck Club
Jurassic Pork
Kitty Lickers
Lawrence of A Labia
The Loin King
Look Who’s Sucking
Lord Of The Cock Rings
Mr. Hollund's Phallus
The Mighty Fucks
Much Ado About Fucking
My Big Fat Greek Woody
My Big Lebowski
Natural Born Jigglers
On Golden Blonde
Pocahotass
Poonies
The Porn Identity
Porn on the 4th of July
Pornocchio
Position: Impossible
Presumed Impotent
Pump Friction
Raiders Of The Lost Ass
Rambone
Riding Miss Daisy
Riding on Boys in Cars
Risky Jizzness
Robocock
Romancing The Bone
Saturday Night Beaver
Saving Ryan's Privates
Schindler's Fist
Sex Toy Story
The Sexorcist
Silence of the Loins
Sleeping Booty
The Sperminator
Sperms of Endearment
Splendor in the Ass
Star Trek 2 - The Wrath of Cum
Star Trek 3 - The Search for Sperm
Star Trek 4 - The Voyeurs Home
Sex Trek: The Next Penetration
Star Whores
Star Whores - The Empire Stikes From The Back
There's Something In and Out of Mary
The Three Fuckateers
Tits A Wonderful Life
Throbbin' Wood: Prince of Whores
Waiting to XXX Hale
When Hairy Fucked Sally
White Men Can't Hump
The Whole Nine Inches
Wild Wild Breasts
Willie Wanker Up the Chocolate Factory
Who's Eating Gilbert Grape
Womb Raider
XXX-Men
Yank My Doodle, It's a Dandy
You've Got Male

I wanna know what you think dear readers!

Did I miss one that absolutely MUST be on the list? Leave a comment about it and together we'll right all the worlds wrongs...one funny porno title at a time.

Soooo...

I guess it'll come as no surprise to you all (who the fuck am I kidding...nobody's gonna read this unless I tell them I've updated) that I'm not posting with the regularity I once did.

Is there a particular reason for this, am I disillusioned with blogging?

No, not really.

I just didn't have anything especially interesting to say.

Sometimes you have to know when to talk and when not to. Sure I could've been rambling all Seinfeld-esque ("What the heck is up with the NHL?") but is that really me saying something or am I just running my mouth?

I suppose I should do a little recap of my life of late. So, let's see...I'm still working at the same place for different people. I'm sure in another 12 to 14 months the management structure will change again like it has for the last 10 years. So when that happens I'll mention it again. But it's more like "second verse, same as the first".

Speaking of 10 years employment, I crossed the decade mark a couple of days ago. I've already been approached by the company HR lady about what anniversary gift I wanted and what kind of cake I was partial to so I assume that'll be going down sooner instead of later. Yay...go me. Thanks for giving me back .0001% of what I've made you over the last 10 years. I guess it really is the thought that counts.

I've been unloading a TON of stupid crap on eBay and making a decent amount of cash to boot. Between the actual cost of Carla's surgery, medicine, doctor bills, missed days of work, and the numerous sick days before we found out what was wrong, we've spent entirely too much money. Sure, I could've let it ride on a credit card and draw 18 to 22% interest but i figured why should we burden ourselves like that? I've been putting up stuff for the last 3 weeks and i've generated over $1000. That's part time job money folks, and there's no commute involved. Boo yow.

And I get all this crap outta my fucking house to boot. Sometimes it's nice to come home and be surrounded by your stuff. You feel like you're safe in your little nest and that everything's gonna be fine. Othertimes it's like this crap is tied around my fucking neck like a weight. I can't explain it...maybe it's a side effect of coming off my zoloft.

That's another relatively new development, well new to you anyway. I've been off my little chemical crutch for a few months now and so far so good.

My mom is finally going through with the divorce from my "dad". Some of you will notice those quotation marks. They're not an accident. I've had enough of his crazy, self absorbed, malicious, antagonistic, and generally negative ass. As he would say I've "fired him". He used to say that about my mother...that she had "fired him". This was, of course, after he had decided purely on his own that he wasn't going to go visit her anymore because she asked if he could send her an Eagles cassette tape. No shit. He didn't see her for the last 7 years she was incarcerated...because she asked him to mail her an Eagles tape...and she "fired him"...what a rancid asshole. The whole thing sounds like a giant crock of shit doesn't it? You know why...cause it IS A GIANT CROCK OF SHIT. Sometimes I wonder if he's really my father, then I look in the mirror and feel my heart break. There's no denying my parentage...goddamnit.

Whatever man...my philosophy now is I just wanna be happy. If you don't make me happy or try to bring your shit onto me then go fuck yourself.

There's too many unknown days left for me on this little blue green orb and I'll not have some cocksucker busting up my krush groove. So here's the deal society, get the fuck off my back...I'm tired of carrying your bullshit everywhere I go.

Demi and Ashton can get married...I don't give a fuck.
Ashlee Simpson can make a triumphant return to SNL...I don't give a fuck.
Jude Law and Sienna Miller can be on again/off again...I don't give a fuck.
blah, blah, blah can yada, yada, yada...I don't give a fuck.

I don't give a fuck. Seriously, I just don't give a fuck.

Does that make me a "bad American"? Is it my American duty to sit and watch Entertainment Tonight, Fear Factor, and ER? Then tough...I don't give a fuck.

I do what makes me happy. What makes my happy is staying home and doing things for the people I care for. The "people I care for" list may be short but that's fine by me. Those people are the people who've taken care of me and if I don't have their back then what the hell kind of man am I?

So I guess that's the thought I'll leave you with. Guess what...if you don't like it then that's fine.

I don't give a fuck.

Two posts in one week...your asses better hold on!

I saw this on netscape a few days ago and it made me giggle like a drunken schoolgirl.

Anyone who truly knows me knows about my unadulterated love of the word "fuck"...or any expletive in general. I can't get enough off them.

Just remember kids, everything's funnier with fuck.

One Town's Very Obscene Name
When you think of Austria, no doubt you think of such cities and towns as Vienna, Innsbruck and Salzburg. But there is another one. And because of its name, tourists steal the signs.

The name? We can't print it here. (But I can motherfuckers...) It's Fucking.

Agence France Presse and Britain's Sunday Telegraph report that the residents of Fucking (pronounced Fooking) are quite perturbed with British tourists who think the name of the town is so hilarious they want to take a piece of it home with them. So they swipe the signs. There are only 32 homes in this charming Austrian village with breathtaking views of lakes and forests and none of its residents understand why their signs are so popular. In fact, sign stealing is the only crime in Fucking.

The good people of Fucking have wised up. They have embedded their signs in concrete. Try stealing one now! We quote. Directly. Exactly. This is what police chief Kommandant Schmidtberger told the Sunday Telegraph: "We will not stand for the Fucking signs being removed. It may be very amusing for you British, but Fucking is simply Fucking to us. What is this big Fucking joke? It is puerile."

Interestingly, it is only the British who seem to have such a fascination with the name of this little town. A local guide told the Telegraph that the Germans want to see the Mozart house in Salzburg, while the Americans only care about the area around which "The Sound of Music" was filmed. The Japanese just want to see Hitler's birthplace in Braunau. The British are different. A woman who runs a guest house told the paper, "Just this morning I had to tell an English lady who stopped by that there were no Fucking postcards."

These Austrians may be on to something about the Brits. The BBC News reports that a Northamptonshire secondary school in Great Britain has had such a problem with its students swearing that they have instituted a five-word swearing limit in each class. When a student swears, the teacher writes a mark on the board. After five marks, no one is allowed to swear for the duration of the class. If the rule is broken? They get a severe talking-to by the teacher. We're thinking there won't be any field trips to Fucking, Austria.

See now, that's just funny.

I had a lady I used to work with named Jodi was swore to me there was a Chinese restaurant in Florida called the "The Foo-King Diner". I sat and came up with funny shit with that name for nearly an hour...

"Do you guys sell Foo-King t-shirts?"
"That's the best Foo-King meal I've ever had!"
"Hey! Our waiter got our Foo-King order wrong...what kind of Foo-King place are they running here?"
"No way...it's your turn to get the Foo-King check...you cheap bastard."

Good times, good times.

So in summation I think I can sleep a little easier at night knowing there's a place called Fucking.

The Fucking citizens have quite a little Xanadu on their hands...those lucky Fucking people.

I only wish I was lucky enough to live in a fucking village like Fucking Austria.